I put my cross stitched Red Sox hat on. I'm gonna need it. As a forewarning, this is going to be one of those crazy stream of thought writings. Just know that as you read, there's gonna be a lot of thought that gets thrown out there.
I'm scared. The situation in my head has become Mogadishu around 1993: There's lots of gunfire, shells everywhere, I'm not sure where it's all coming from, or if it's ever going to stop.
I am one big fucking ball of stress right now. If my life had a Homeland Security style threat level, it'd be Super Mega Ultra Red. I mean, with the situation dealing with my Mom, the fact that my Grandfather's slowly declining health, the 5626 jobs that I have, the school thing, and all the other stressors that I can't think of but are there, it's just a giant clusterfuck at this point.
Sun Tsu, who the Marx likes to quote extensively, says this about battlefield distraction:
"Know the other, and know oneself,
Then victory is not in danger."
That's a nice thought, in sentiment, really great. It's a hard thing to put into practice. It's hard to separate things as separate stressors when they all combine into one. I know a lot of you that see the Marx on a daily basis know that my moods have been shifting drastically. It's not your fault, guys and gals, it's the fact that my brain is moving a million miles an hour on problems that I just won't tell you. You can try and pry, and you might net a sliver of it, but it's really hard for me to open up totally to people. It just is.
There are many situations that are flowing through my mind at any given moment:
How in the fuck can I sit still when what's happening to my mother is happening?
Is there a way to get around the awkwardness of a failed relationship?
Can I stop the giant fucking Knight of You Fucked That Up to stop randomly poking through my thoughts?
How do you work for a guy whose girlfriend admits that she loves you?
And how do you deal with the fact that she's fucking everywhere you are?
What happens when my grandfather dies?
Grades in school? And for that matter, can I afford it?
Holy crap, I work a lot. Will I burn myself out?
Why are people dying on me left and right?
Rugby's fun, why can't I let myself blend in with the team?
Who can I really trust?
I'm a nice guy. Why am I getting hosed?
Why can't I let the mistakes of the past go?
Why am I still struggling with my faith?
Where is all this self doubt coming from?
And that's just a snippet of what goes on. I think I know how a schizophrenic feels, with questions and voices that only they can hear and attempt to answer. I'm scared to do anything half the time, because the damage control sometimes just isn't worth it. It's a strange paradigm, I've been lots of places, done lots of dangerous things, successful on the biggest stages, yet social situations will turn me into a blubbering idiot. The scary part about that is, I have no clue where that irrational fear comes from. Those of you that know me know that my play on the field is scary calm, and in a debate round or in the classroom I'm a verbal and mental assassin. I just can't shake that social overthought.
I wrote in this thing long ago that I cannot analyze life, I've got to shoot from the hip sometimes, and just let things and events go. It seems that I can't let the lessons that I've taught myself go. I mean, you'd be hard pressed to find a person that doesn't like me, but I think I don't like myself, or I guess my ego and my superego don't like each other. It's the perfect super standard that I set for myself; although I know I can't possibly meet it, I get angry with myself when I fail. I don't like to fail, and for those that have passed on, I can't possibly know if they are ok with my progress, and as stupid as that sounds, it feeds the doubt monster extra good.
There used to be a time where excelling was like breathing, I just did it. I was also an egotistical asshole at the time. Now with the addition of feelings and realism, and the subtraction of that attitude and better than you complex, I can't get back to that level for fear of disappointing others.
There are literally some days that I just want to pack up, get in the Jeep, and go away, drop off the face of the earth, and start off somewhere where no one knows me at all. Throw the ball cap and the Oakley shades on and go the fuck away. There are other days that I just want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone. I know I can't do either, but sometimes the desire is strong.
I talked to Rusty, my sage of life, and he tells me to take it one day/problem at a time. Tommy says just to flow, like I do when I'm on the field. I take the advice they give, but I know it's an uphill struggle to get rid of the feelings I feel and the thoughts I have all the time.
Sun Tsu talks about the merits of battle, to prepare to win.
I'd love to ask him the merits of battling oneself, how to prepare, winning and losing.
I'm great on the field, my safe place. Everywhere else is a bastion of terror, where emotion and thought mix and make my mind hell.
With all seriousness, I think I need professional help. Before it's too late. Making the appointment tomorrow. [pax. transend.]